CORRECTING SEXUAL PERFORMANCE PROBLEMS: RELATIONSHIP STYLES
The creation of sexual intimacy depends ultimately on the most basic of relationship factors—cooperation. A solo attempt to create sexual intimacy is like trying to clap with only one hand; the essential other ingredient in the formula is missing. The best way to soothe sexual performance concerns is to cooperate in creating and maintaining a loving and communicative relationship. Nothing squelches sexual response quicker than relationship tension.
In examining your sexual relationship, remember my prior comments about marriage partners working as teams that organize around and are affected by the emotional themes that predominate in the relationship. Changes in sexual response can signal unresolved relationship problems. And if your changes in sexual response are caused by factors other than the relationship itself, unresolved relationship problems will interfere with your making a positive adjustment to those sexual changes.
As I have repeatedly stated, your sexual response changes as you age and in reaction to momentary states such as stress, fatigue, anxiety, or any of the many factors mentioned in this chapter. What happens next in your relationship determines your ultimate sexual adjustment.
If you and your partner are locked into uncomfortable patterns of reacting to your sexual changes, you must lovingly cooperate in order to change. Try reading together the preceding sections in this book on healthy marriages, intimacy building, and sexuality. Open and expand your styles of communicating with each other, both verbally and physically. Experiment by changing your overall relationship patterns, not just in the bedroom, but in your general style of relating to each other:
If you are typically quiet, start talking.
If you typically hold back when hugged, start hugging back. If you usually criticize, find something to compliment. If you usually wait for your partner to initiate physical affection, switch roles.
If you are in the boring habit of silently watching television after dinner, take a walk and hold hands as you talk.
Behaving differently often leads to feeling different in a relationship. Try it; you have nothing to lose and much pleasure to gain.
If you repeatedly find that some negative emotional reaction to each other interferes with your attempts to build intimacy, perhaps you would be helped by a brief course of professional marital counseling. Put aside any outdated stigma that you may associate with counseling. Seeking professional guidance in dealing with a complicated issue is an intelligent, healthy, and loving choice to make. You deserve this much.
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