PERSONALITY: THE HARD WORK OF PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGE

It is obvious that both George and Carly were aware of the behavioral changes they needed to make for more appropriate and comfortable balance in their lives. Carly tried to move from blindly following her Pleasing Others driver by taking time for self-nurturing activities. George tried to counter his Being Strong and Trying Hard drivers by working less and by spending more time with his family. But these positive changes did not immediately help these well-intentioned people.
The experiences of Carly and George demonstrate three important psychological facts:

1. Changing old coping patterns does not feel good at first. Healthy psychological changes often stir feelings of awkwardness or fears that we are making a mistake in behaving this new way.
2. To truly change in healthy ways, we must put up with the anxiety until the new way of operating becomes more familiar. The initial anxiety does not mean we are making a mistake; it simply signals that we are in unfamiliar territory.
3. The longer we explore the new territory, the more familiar and comfortable it will become.

We need nurturing support and encouragement from each other as we grapple with the anxieties that are provoked when new psychological territory is being explored. Unfortunately, far too many couples get caught in the trap of struggling with solo attempts to change. Such couples, like Carly and George, grow more and more lonely within the privacy of their own marriage.
How you can be sources of healing for each other is extensively discussed in later chapters. Here I simply want to emphasize that it is important and helpful to be aware of each other's personality-based coping tendencies, and to be open in asking for and offering each other support and encouragement as you each strive to develop healthier ways of dealing with life.
In helping each other to cope more positively with the unique stresses of illness, it is useful to understand the coping consequences of the various personality drivers. It is to this topic that we now turn.
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