PERSONALITY: WHY DO WE ACT THIS WAYS?
In my work as a psychotherapist and marital therapist, I have noticed that each of the driver coping patterns leads us into predictable areas of distress if used excessively in efforts to cope with change. Furthermore, I have found that the different kinds of distress that correspond with the different drivers lead to certain problems in reacting to illness. By understanding these potential personality-based pitfalls in coping with illness, you can avoid much pain and confusion. To help each other, you must understand what both of you are trying to accomplish—accomplish psychologically, that is—by behaving as you do.
Certain well-intentioned, healthy hopes and needs underlie most of our coping strategies. This makes common sense; we cope in ways we hope will allow us to end a negative state of affairs, gain a positive outcome, or avoid a feared negative outcome. It often seems that we operate as though we believe that if we can just do or be_(our typical coping pattern) long enough and hard enough, then_(the corresponding hoped-for, soothing consequence) will finally occur. A double-crossing surprise for most of us, however, is that the harder we do or be_(that is, follow our driver), the more thoroughly we stay stuck in an unanticipated pit of distress.
This table also outlines the pitfalls that inevitably result from excessively following any given driver in coping with stress. Identify any symptoms that might describe your reactions as you fall prey to coping pitfalls. Note the underlying hopes that probably correspond with your misguided efforts to deal with stress by overusing your particular drivers.
Certainly no one (not even a concerned spouse) can change for you, but you can be helpful to each other as you attempt to change yourselves. It will be tremendously soothing if you will bless each other by providing some version of the hopes that underlie the driver patterns as each of you attempts your respective changing. For example, it is helpful to a Trying Hard individual to be reminded by his or her spouse that he or she deserves to rest and enjoy life. Or, in countering Being Perfect tendencies, it is helpful to be reminded that "good enough" is all that is required in most aspects of life.
Next, list the ways you can be nurturingly helpful to each other as you struggle with the anxieties of learning about these new ways of being.
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