THE PERSONALITY FACTORS: CARLY’S STORY
Carly had spent her life caring for others. As the oldest of three children, she was her mother's helpmate throughout her childhood, cooking, cleaning, baby-sitting, and generally learning to attend to the needs of others as a means of earning looks of approval and words of praise. She eventually became so stuck in this way of reacting that she felt comfortable only when she was taking care of others, even if she received no words of appreciation.
Marrying George and mothering their three children continued Carly's life pattern of Pleasing Others. Her husband's long work hours and driving ambition left Carly exclusively in charge of nurturing her loved ones. This was a role for which she was naturally suited and in which she had always thrived.
And then George had a heart attack. This event led to Carly's facing a very unfamiliar and unsettling dilemma. At first, things went on comfortably as usual. Carly was certainly comfortable in the role of caretaker; George's new status as heart patient in need of care fit nicely with Carly's Pleasing Others personality. However, as the fears and stresses of George's recuperation evolved from the event of hospitalization to the multiple dramas throughout his first year of recovery, Carly found herself privately overwhelmed with fatigue, depression, and—most confusing to her—anger toward George.
Her nurturing tone of attending to George by reminding him to take his medication, eat sensibly, and to work less gradually shifted into a more bitter-sounding refrain. To her horror, George began complaining about her constant nagging, and he even accused her of not being supportive or understanding of his struggle to cope with his illness.
In reaction to George's feedback, Carly felt depressing guilt. She convinced herself that George was correct; she had become self-centered in her discontent. After all, she wasn't the one who had gone through the terror of having a heart attack. She redoubled her commitment to being more helpful to George. She went through the nurturing motions. She was plagued by a painful sadness, however. She kept quiet about this pain; no sense "nagging" any more.
Within months, Carly was having migraine headaches regularly. Her own doctor urged her to take better care of herself, to take time for relaxation and pleasure in her life, and to let her emotional needs be known more clearly. In line with her Pleasing Others personality, Carly tried to please her doctor and follow his advice. She declared one night a week Mom's night off for eating out with the family and taking a break from cooking. She rejoined her neighborhood walking group, which she had dropped after George's heart attack. She even went to a few movies with friends as a special treat to herself.
The problem was that whenever Carly tried to nurture herself in these sensible and reasonable ways, she felt more discomfort than relief. In fact, the guilt and anxiety she felt while trying to enjoy any break from her caretaker role was so intense that it overrode the potential pleasure. She experienced moments of internal calming only when she returned to some activity that involved caring for George or their children. Such excessive caretaking might be exhausting and depressing and ultimately stress her into having migraines, but at least she felt as if she was doing what she was "supposed" to be doing to be a worthwhile person.
George's story parallels Carly's, but it revolves around a different personality theme. George was the third of six children in a financially poor family. His childhood was filled with hard work and the emotional pain of being physically smaller than his peers. In reaction, George learned that a combination of Being Strong and Trying Hard was the best way to soothe his internal fears. His life became an endless quest to rise above his upbringing by being strong enough to work harder than the next guy in whatever he undertook.
When he married Carly, he did so with an unspoken vow to provide a more comfortable life for her and their eventual family than he had experienced as a child. This commitment translated into working long hours in his profession as an accountant for a large corporation. His annual performance evaluations consistently rewarded him for his diligence and obvious commitment to the company. Such praise, and its accompanying financial rewards, further fueled George's quest. He worked longer and harder than his peers. He denied awareness of fatigue and refused to miss work for minor illnesses, despite Carly's warnings that he was working himself into poor health. George constantly motivated himself with the belief that he was getting progressively closer to the day when he and his loving family would relax and enjoy life, safe and secure beneath the protective umbrella of the success that he had finally achieved.
And then he had his heart attack. George's life came to a screeching halt, but his emotional sense of urgency speeded up. He endured the initial months of posthospitalization rehabilitation without complaint but with a growing restlessness to return to work. He feared that the promotion he had worked so hard for would never materialize unless he fully and immediately recovered from this illness. He approached each day as another opportunity to prove his recovery by denying, even to himself, the existence of any fears, symptoms, or lingering effects of his heart condition.
Carly's helpful encouragement and nurturing meant more to George throughout these months than he told her. After all, if he admitted that he was benefiting from such reassurance, he might imply that he needed it. He feared for the effects of his illness on his wife and his children, and he assumed that the best way to reassure them would be to demonstrate a speedy and problem-free return to work.
Even though he did soon return to work full-time, George was haunted by a confusing feeling of emptiness. As he had done throughout his life, he tried to distract himself from his inner pain by working harder, achieving more, and getting busier. But he seemed to be on an emotional treadmill. The harder he worked in stoic disregard of his feelings of vulnerability, the uneasier he felt. The uneasier he felt, the harder he worked, and so on.
As George's tension and fatigue mounted, he became more irritable with Carly, with their children, and with life in general. When Carly began experiencing migraine headaches he seethed with guilt and self-loathing; he assumed that her problems were due to the stress that his illness and long working hours had created. To soothe his wife, George proclaimed his intention to work less and begin smelling the roses more. For six weeks he tore himself away from work in time to be home for dinner with the family. On weekends he resisted his preoccupying agitation to go in to the office. But even though he was there in body, his time spent at home was far less than emotionally satisfying. Carly looked depressed. He and she seemed to be relating superficially rather than intimately. Work was piling up at the office. He began to have difficulty sleeping through the night because he tossed and turned, worrying about unfinished work details and about his growing problems at home.
When the year-end busy season finally arrived at George's company, the pressure to return to his old ways was too much to resist. Gradually, George once again began to work late on weekdays and to return to the office on weekends. His familiar internal numbness returned, and his wife seemed more distant than ever. But now at least he could sleep at night.
*76\170\9*
